I Don't Know What To Say ... ...!

You may not believe that this is actually the title of a book, I Don't Know What To Say ... ... with sub-title of How To Help And Support Someone Who Is Dying. Written by Dr. Robert Buckman, a medical oncologist involved his life with terminally ill people, with contributions by Ms Ruth Gallop, a registered nurse and psychotherapist, and Rev. John Martin who is a hospital chaplain at a cancer center. This book is first published in 1988.

The book is structured into three main sections.

The First Section titled Talking and Listening, with three chapters: 1. Why Talk? Why Listen? 2. Sensitive Listening 3. Why You Need to Know What's Going On

The Second Section titled The Process of Dying, with 6 chapters: 4. The Transition 5. Facing the Threat 6. Being Ill 7. The Last Stage 8. Saying Good-bye: The Function of Grief 9. Spiritual Aspects

The Third Section titled Pacticalities, with 4 chapters: 10 Things Every Caregiver Should Do 11. Individual Relationships 12. AIDS and Dementing Diseases 13. Talking with Health Professionals

The first section is really the foundation of preparing ourselves to deal with the dying process. To start with, we need to be a good listener, a sensitive listener. It is also suggested that we shall get prepare ourselves, to learn what's really going on before we start the communication process. Ignorance sometime can hurt other people, especially those that you actually would like to help.

Then, the second section, it discussed some issues that arose from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' Dying Process. It specially draw our attention to the fact that "all human beings are capable of experiencing several different emotions at the same time". It also discussed the feelings of the patients: shock and disbelief, fear and anxiety, anger and disappointment, guilt and blame, despair and depression, etc. What's important is how to manage the "the last stage", especially the feelings of the patients and the person who is trying to offer their help. No matter you are the dying one or the living ones but trying to taking care of the dying one, we need to address our own feelings carefully. The struggle of the feelings are not easy, and sometime it's just can go ups and downs, even a few times a day. Trying to take control of one's feeling is important but then it can also create tension both inside and outside. The key is on one's self awareness, i.e. knowing how much you can take and manage, and knowing how to release/relax yourself.

The third section is more on some supplementary topics and offered some practical advise.

There is no guarantee that you know what to say after reading this book, but it at least offered some good food for thoughts. It's indeed not easy to communicate with cancer patients, especially those who is very sensitive and surely difficult to handle. More, it's usually best if they themselves can help themselves in this process, as it's the most effective way of addressing this "end stage of life", or like the scholars suggested "the end stage of growth"!