A Better Way of Dying?

The weather this week is so so beautiful which I don't think anyone would have the slightest complaint. It's only that due to skin rash, I am advised not to go out during mid day to avoid the exposure to UV lights which I am more than happy to adhere to. The air in the morning is very fresh. It's so fresh that as soon as you inhale, you actually feel the oxygen inside your lung was transferring to your other body parts through the blood stream. I am not exaggerating and you have to go out and try it for yourself. Yes, go out and try it for yourself!

Today is Saturday (weekend) and I am not sure if it's a good idea to talk about this serious topic. I borrowed a book from the local library called "A Better Way of Dying" and subtitled as "How to make the best choices at the end of the life". This book is written by two sisters, one is a lawyer (Eileen Fitzpatrick) and the other one is a medical doctor (Jeanne Fitzpatrick).

The book's subject is about the Contract of Compassionate Care. It lets you choose what medical treatment you want or don't want at the end of your life. It gives you the option to choose a natural death. The authors placed high emphasis on the communication process and believes that Compassion Protocol opens a dialogue between you and your family, friends and health care professionals regarding your end-of-life care. Keep in mind, this dialogue is usually absent in our society, or more accurately rephrased that it is purposely avoided.

"The option to choose a natural death" is a controversial topic. It involves debate of various legal, social, ethical and religious issues. In early March, when I showed the MRI report of my spine and skeletal bones to an Oncologist, seeking his second opinion. He came back with a short email "Your report is not good and I suggest you immediately prepare your personal matters, e.g. your will." Hahahah! I was expecting a second opinion in how to go forward, and rather than dealing with medical issues, it seems to me he believes legal issues are more important and this leads me to believe that my (biological) situation must be pretty bad! Then, I find an appropriate time to talk to Esther (and later with Leo) regarding my will. I told them if at any point of time (in future) that I am so sick that I am unconscious and need to rely on medical instruments to prolong my existence but gain no quality of life, they would have to allow me to leave and instruct the medical professionals to stop using all those medical instruments. I also make them understand that it is MY decision, and not their decision, and they should have no emotional burden as they simply follow my instruction to act accordingly. I also informed them regarding the donation of my body organs.

Indeed I have seen a few struggles by families when their Loved ones were dying and fell unconscious. The picture is so sad that you see tubes and medical instruments are attached everywhere to an unconscious human body which lacks the ability to provide you with a normal feedback, e.g. a blink of the eye. Often, a simple cough, or a bad facial expression, brings anxiety and gives their family and friends the wrong impression that he/she must be suffering in their dying bed. A lot of scientific journals would argue that although a person fall unconscious, their six senses actually still working! Anyway, I am more looking at "quality of life" and if the prolonged period of stay is a torture to my family and friends, and especially to my Loved Ones, then I prefer to cut this suffering short and keep it a pretty process. As you all would agree, it's not the length that it matters, it's the quality that matters!

No worries! You Will be Remembered!

Not sure whose idea was this, these days when you go around in parks and public areas, you would see quite a few of these metal plates, in remembering someone. It is meant for usually donation of a certain kind and I often find them interesting to read (and even take photographs and keep record). Like the one above, Jacquie, at the age of 19, was accidently killed in the canyon below as she lay sunbathing on Friday afternoon of 20th August , 1982. She is remembered with love by her family and friends. If that accident did not take place that afternoon, she would be 46 years old now and ... ...

There are many twists in life that would provoke you to think "what if?" There are so many times in the past that we asked ourselves "what if ... this didn't happen? Or what if that happened?" No doubt, as I am also human beings, and we openly admit that we should not do things that we regret in life, but yet, we still ask this "what if" question from time to time, clearly knowing that the "what if" will not change the past, and possibly it may provide some insight to the future if we face the same scenario, but then circumstances will still be different, and result can be very different.

You may call this "the tension" between our two minds. On one side, we are rational and know exactly what we need and do precisely what's requested to do; on the other side, we think we are rational, we think we know what we need (but actually we know what we want, not need) and did not really act on what's requested/needed to do (and therefore we remain in the "dreaming" stage as we are uncomfortable to come out of our "comfort zone"). This tension between the two minds can be very disturbing, especially when you are in my situation, immobility with a few pain, ranging from general pain to unexpected acute pain, as the immobility gives you a lot of time to lay down (not sunbathing though), look around and enter deep thinking mode. While the different levels of pain will provoke your body to react to them and your thinking can go deeper than you usually are! Keep in mind that some of the "thinking" can be very messy and not well constructed. They can be just bits and pieces and the thinking is without framework, nor conclusive at the end. What's more scary is that if you don't control or manage your thinking, or the tension between the two minds, well enough, they can go out of track and cause a lot of damaging to your established thinking mode. If you are under such circumstances, you (your mind) would then need to take a good rest and stop thinking for a moment (e.g. reading a good book, talking to someone, watching a movie, or praying and meditation, etc.).

Or there is a short-cut, like in my case, I simply pray to God and leave everything to HIM to define. Call me naive, childish, blind religious, or whatever you like. Just like the case of Jacquie, "No worries! As you will be remembered!"