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31 March, 2010

Reverse Thinking ... On Death!


Hahahah! There are always little things that we can have a good laugh in our daily life (if you pay enough attention to your surroundings)!

Using this (above picture) more as an example. This sign (the one I took this photo) locates at the entrance of Butchart's Garden, Victoria of British Columbia. Hahahah! In my opinion, the dogs (or at least most of them) would like this feeling of keeping their owners on a leash! Hahahah! However, the owners (of the dogs) may argue, "No matter what's in your (the dogs) mind, the truth stands and it was me who keep you on a leash, NOT the other way around!" Okay!?

Then, using this Reverse Thinking on the subject of Death (and I know it's a big jump here), can you share with us what comes in your mind now? ... ...

- Death is the end of life, or it's the beginning of a NEW life?
- Death discontinues us from learning, or we shall start learning to appreciate life, and call it the graduation of life?
- Death is the other end of birth, or it's the other side of the same coin?
- Death is sorrow and sad, or it can be filled with joy and happiness?
- Death is death and it bears no meaning, or it can be dealt with FULL meaningfulness?
- Rather than hammered by Death, should we not "live with it" and "be friendly with it"?
- Instead of avoidance of Death, can we not openly "live normally" with it, and make it part of our daily life?

The sign should read as "Guys must keep Death on a leash!". Whether you like it or not, death is with you, surrounded you and living with you EVERYDAY! You will never escape from it, no one would! If you accept this fact, then it should not be difficult for you to keep Death on a leash! In fact, soon, you will enjoy keeping Death on a leash and take it for a walk! Hahahah!



30 March, 2010

Footprints in the Sand ... ...!


We are all humans and there are times when we are in doubt and weak! We even questioned God and this story below provides me with strength and courage to walk tall and straight on. Enjoy reading:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?
The Lord replied, the years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.

By Mary Stevenson, 1936

[The above picture, pictured Esther & me walking on the sand hands in hands, was taken in 14th July, 2007 at Spanish Banks of Vancouver by Esther Gan. When the tide is low, you can walk all the way out to the middle of it. Only be cautioned that when the tide returns, it can go also very quickly (and make you wet)!]

29 March, 2010

Happy Birthday! Joey, Happy Birthday!


Today is Joey's birthday! Joey is actually my elder brother, but it's so funny that ever since that we are grown ups, whoever we met together will guess it wrong, i.e. I am the elder boy of the family while Joey's the younger. I seldom defend this fact as even I myself sometime find it difficult to believe so. Look at the picture and you would agree, such a young, handsome and almost movie-star like appearance, in contrast to my more mature, less handsome (though still smart enough) and ordinary poeple like appearance!(Hahahah! I am neither bitter, nor humble, it's just an objective observation made!) You have to see to believe his skin, always the same as if he was at 25 years old. Actually, if you watch FairchildTV in Sunday mornings, which they re-broadcasted some TV episodes in Interior Design that Joey was filmed about 10 years ago, you will check that he didn't really change much.

Joey's life style is very different than mine (keep in mind that we share the same parents)! He is still single, an artist (and a famous Interior Designer), and a work-hard-play-hard living attitude! He treasures his friends (and his friends treasure him a lot) passionately and the friendship with him usually last for a life! He struggled with the traditional education in Hong Kong when he was a teen. But since the day he decided to be an interior designer, as early as he was 17 years old, he worked so hard for his (life) objective and today, being his brother, I am so proud of him that other than being famous in designing luxurious houses and commercial projects around in Vancouver, Hong Kong and China (and won quite a few Georgia Awards with constant media coverage), he also accepted and fostered a few challenges, projects like a golf course, a hotel, a furniture chain-stores, and a line of paints under his name. His latest project is in designing an island into a "living zone" with a top University in Shanghai, which obviously need to put talent, intellectual and practical designs together. After some years of encouragement from me, he is compiling some of his works into a book which shall come out in Summer 2010. (Those who want to have a copy need to line up now!) He is also a frequent contributor/lecturer in Beijing Qing Hua University (or also known as Tsing Hwa) and various other universities in topics of interior design.

Is God fair? A lot of people asked. Being borne by the same parents, grown up almost the same environment but yet Joey and I have such a different life path! [Oh no ... don't get me wrong, I am very happy with what my life have been, what my life is and what my life will be (including the challenge I am currently facing) ... very happy indeed!] People usually (ONLY) see the successes of results in others, they often missed those tremendous efforts that one put in throughout the process of striving for results! In the case of Joey, my dearest and only brother, he needed to keep his head low when my father disagreed with his career choice of being an interior designor. He worked extremely hard during the day as an office-boy, took the evening classes and slept about 2-3 hours a night as those homework were usually time consuming. He walked 30 minutes through thick snow to attend his classes in order to save money. He never wasted a tiny piece of food (also to save money). Remaining professional, he put his feelings into every projects that he handled, dedicated in his design ideas and seldom compromise with the customers, and often even upset the owner of the project (who said "the customer is king"?). More, he took his customers as friends and family members, so that he can understand their needs better. He continues to travel around the world, keep his eyes and mind wide open, in order to learn everyday new design ideas. In my opinion, God is always fair, especially to those who take life passionately and know clearly what they are doing and what they would like to achieve (in life)!

God, thank you for assigning me to be the younger brother of Joey!

Happy Birthday! Joey, Happy Birthday!

28 March, 2010

Life-O-Life --- Mini Sun Run (2.5km) Team Established!

Today is a memorable day as something significant happened. In order to remind people the importance of health & exercises, and the sharing of love & care among family & friends, a Mini Sun Run (2.5km) Team, named Life-O-Life (yes, the same name as this Blogger) is established. This movement certainly cannot be compared with Terry Fox Foundation today, but often, all great social movements start from a small idea being executed, and by a small group of the fellow community members (or one day will be called leaders).

The small group of community members (or leaders?) are: (from left to right) Cheryl Kwan, Olivia Chan, Olivia Chan (they are different), Jessica Chan, Nathan Gan, Tracy Chan and Vivian Chong. (*Aiden Chan was presented but he was attending the Canucks game when this photo was taken.) As you can see from the table, there are clear evidence of good foods, drinks, enjoyment and laughters.


Then, in support of this important movement, there are supporting forces: (from left to right) Elizabeth Chan, Esther & me, David Chong, Frankie & Sophia Chan, Grace Chong, Esther & David Gan, Eric Chan, and Ron & Calsa Kwan.


Other than visiting the BCCA in the last two weeks, this is the ONLY time I escaped my Home Care Unit for 2 hours (or as long as my spine can sit up-right)! Esther & I left early, and Olivia returned home by 1am in the morning. I later found in this Blogger a message, posted by Ron at 23:19pm as:

This is from all of us.

Glad to have you with us tonight. I hope you enjoy our food, drink, laugh and joys.

As said, please come again when you ready and we will be around.


You miss the coffee and cheese cake [Elizabeth]
I can't wait for your return [Eric Chan]
Let's go for a run [David Chong]
Please come again [Calsa]
I'll bring you some ooh long tea [Frankie]
The party is not the same without you [Esther Gan]
Go Cancucks go, Go Matthew go [David Gan]
Let's play poker game like last time till 3am [Elizabeth]
See you soon [Grace]

Thank you guys, thank you for the food, drinks, laugh and joys! I am going to miss you guys a lot during the next 3 months' chemotherapy period (need to avoid outside visits to reduce risk of infection and weaken body condition). Like you suggested, I shall return with a better me, or at least I will try my best in this direction. Meantime, if the worst scenario do take place, and our wishes contradicted ... it's also okay, as I am filled with your love & care and immensed by your laugh & joys! ... The Joy of Life!

27 March, 2010

On Top of Cheam Peak!


British Columbia - The Best Place on Earth!
Yeah! I know some of you may not agree with this statement (slogan) claimed by local politicians. Meantime, I am sure you agree that there are quite a few things, in British Columbia, that we should appreciate and enjoy, for example, the nature. We are gifted to live in a city surrounded by all these wonderful mountains and waters, and you can go and enjoy a hiking day trip with a few good friends of yours.

It was early August, 2009, with hiking buddies, Bruce Hay (who took this photo) and S.K. Kim (with me inside the photo) went to visit Cheam Peak. It's to the direction of Chilliwack and you need to know your way to enter an off-map road up the "parking lot". It's 14km of rough and tumbling climbing up (by the car) and took almost an hour of "body massage" inside your own car! The height of Cheam Peak is at 2080m (or 6825 ft). Starting from the "parking lot", it only takes about 2 hours up one-way. It's actually a nice and comfortable hike! If you have time and energy, there is another Lady Peak (a very fine lady indeed) waiting for you! Once when you are on the top of Cheam Peak, you will see the whole Fraser Valley right below you, also the Harrison Lake, Mount Rexford and Slesse Mountain; and at a distance the Mount Baker.

Reaching the top of a peak usually gives you a great feeling. The feeling of achieving a goal, the feeling of on top of something, and the feeling of ... reaching another milestone (and ready for the next one)! We set for ourselves (and others) a lot of goals ... short, medium and long. We always try our best to achieve these goals but yet the circumstances change and things do not always going our way. More often than not, we are stressed and weakened when bad things happen. Those are the moments that I stop and pray:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Life is an enjoyable voyage and please enjoy it the best you can!

26 March, 2010

My Master ... Why You Still Whipping Me?



Some of you know that I love history and museums and therefore I visit almost every museum I can wherever I go. I spotted this Chinese Calligraphy at the National Museum of Korea ( http://www.museum.go.kr/EngMain.do ) in Seoul of South Korea.

The Chinese read as:
老牛用力已多年
領破皮穿
只愛眠
泥耙已休
春雨足
主人何苦又加鞭

To translate into English (by me):
For many years, this Old Cattle's been working hard
Wearing a broken skin
Sleeping the only enjoyment


The rake is now at rest
With abundant Spring rain
My Master, why you still want to whip me?

My feeling after reading this is: Life is so interesting! An old cattle who have been working very hard in his life. He didn't really expecting much in life, possibly just some basic living essentials. His desire is as simple as a steady and peaceful daily life. Yet, Life-O-Life, although the circumstance is calm (rake at rest) and even no need to act (with abundant Spring rain), The Master of Life, still would like to provide you with life challenges (to whip you), and to drive you further and trying harder!

Do you feel the tension between what you want life to be (simple, calm and peaceful) and what life is driving you (with challenges)?

I used to share the philosophy of the Old Cattle and was wanting and working for just a simple life (and I achieved by settling down in Vancouver 6 years ago). Only then to reflect and conclude that "Life without challenges is no fun!" and case-in-point, if I am not challenged by cancer, I may not be able to discover, understand and appreciate all these love and care from family and friends. Even better, if you may observe the process that I am going through, so that YOU are able to discover, understand and appreciate all these love and care from family and friends WITHOUT being challenged by cancer (or others)!

My Master, thank you for whipping me and please continue to do so! Life is an enjoyment!

25 March, 2010

UP in Avatar ... Wonderful Idea!


Let's have a close look at above poster, which is designed by my dearest and only daughter Olivia as her classwork in computer science. For those of you who did not distance yourselves too far from movie entertainments would immediately discovered that the poster included two movies: Avatar, the biggest box office moive as-of-today, in 3-D, and the theme is talking about human beings and harmony with nature. Another one is called UP, also in 3-D, covering life issues such as realization of dreams and love among people. Then, Olivia put them together and it gives me a lot of energy everytime I look at this poster. This poster actually gives me the impression of "For the realization of our (life) dreams, and in the harmony with the nature, let's exercise our love and courage, to fight ... until we succeed!" Tell ya ... ONLY the feeling itself makes me feel great already! You feel it? (*Though I must admit you need to watch both movies before you can feel this feeling!)

There is a side-line which I would like to also mention here. In the UP movie, at the very beginning, there was a very quick flashback on Carl's (the old man) relationship with his wife, starting when they were in childhood to the point of her death! It happened so quickly that before I noticed it, my eyes were all wet! (*If you missed this, get the DVD and watch it again!) It was one of those touching moments that I would just let my tears run down my face!

Life is such an enjoyable voyage! It usually is filled with memorable moments. The voyage should be observed as a whole (like birth, live and death), while the memorable moments can be organized individually and randomly as you may like and to enjoy.

Life is cool! Life is awesome! Life is "UP in Avatar"! Let's enjoy it as much as we can!

24 March, 2010

An Art Therapy Session ... On Matthew :-) !


Even some of my close friends and relatives didn't know that, since July 2009, I have been working full time (yes, it's a 35 hours week full time job) in S.U.C.C.E.S.S. Chinese Help Lines as a Coordinator. This is really a joy, not a job! And everyday, with great enthusiasm, I would be dancing and singing to start my work. This job brings me a lot of joys. To name a few:

- It brings meaning to my life, as now on a daily basis and at the front-lines, I am helping people who need emotional and social supports.
- It filled me with life challenges that other people are facing (or have faced) and bring me into deep thoughts of myself and on my own life challenges, only to find out how lucky I am, or how little (insignificant) I am which in return make me feel great!
- S.U.C.C.E.S.S. is a very large social services provider in Vancouver and they are very well organized and well managed. Keep in mind that I have no local working experience in Vancouver, this job brings me a lot of interactions, contacts, resources and knowledge in the field and really opened my eyes! (*For I love to learn and learning is THE most important part of my life!)
- As I am responsible for the training of the volunteers, I would need to read extensively on Basic Counselling Skills, e.g. Carl Rogers' Empathy, etc. This process in return, help myself going deeper into my soul and ask myself: The Meaning of Life, The Values of Life, The Way(s) of Life, etc. Be sensitive that for a semi-retired person like me, finding  meaning of (daily) life is a very difficult task, if not at all impossible!
- Last but not least, this job gifted me to meet and work closely with some 80 active volunteers. They are of a vast background and origins. They are from Hong Kong, Taiwan and China, from students to retired person, from taking a bus to driving luxurious cars, etc., but they are all beautiful people with a beautiful heart! Their dedication simply energizes you everyday. Positive energy everyday!

Starting early February, 2010, my body condition didn't allow me to work routinely. My (health) news later was informed and the volunteers start to express their care and concerns. The management then wisely decide to conduct an Art Therapy session, to allow the volunteers to "share their feelings and blessing to Matthew through the use of their creatives"! The picture above is the drawings that they have done on 22nd February, 2010 (Monday). You may see a lot of flowers, rainbows, sun and sunshines, hearts, a vase labelled "Power for you", a school bus, a fighting stage, and words such as "New Life", "Happy Rebirth" ... and simpy "Matthew We love you"!

I LOVE YOU TOO! ... (And keep the smile on your face please!)

23 March, 2010

Please Welcome My Friend ... Adenocarcinoma NSCLC



My Loved Ones, Family and Friends,

Please join me in welcoming my friend, Adenocarcinoma NSCLC, which I can only called him Cancer the other day. You may still remember that he visited me a few weeks ago but was not very open with me in our communication. Now, I am glad to inform everyone here and would also like you to welcome my friend here. Adenocarcinoma is his first name (cancer cell type), while NSCLC is his family name, i.e. short form for Non Small Cell Lung Cancer. (As shown in the above picture.) He actually belongs to one of the biggest family of Lung Cancer and most people in the field know him well.

As promised earlier, now that he has come forward, we are going to "live with him" and we are going to "treat him well". With these two objectives in mind, soon after the radiotherapy sessions (on my spines), we are going to perform the chemotherapy, possibly by early April, 2010. With my own semi-professional knowledge in the field (in the pharmaceutical side), and also through consultation with a few more experts in the field, we will have to decide which drugs (usually more than 1 but not more than 3), the dose, and treatment cycles that we are going to implement. It is important that one of the selection criteria of the drugs is on it's side effects. (This leads to another major discussion that rather than killed by the cancer, patients are actually killed by the drugs who was injected to kill the cancer.) As the self-defensive system is weak during the treatment, other bacterias and germs, just normal ones, may cause serious fatal infections. Taking proactive preventing measurements seems the most logical thing to do, instead of merely worrying.

After the first treatment cycles, once body condition is stable, it is likely that a second treatment cycle, with the objective to control future growth, will be defined and implemented.

An eight months life expectancy was given in my case, and it's only a statistic number, or like they say "more or less". Quite a few of you are so kind to cheer me up by providing true stories of people, with cancers like me, that have lived many months and years longer than what the doctors pronounced.

What's important, for me, is to accept that now my friend is living with me, he becomes part of me, part of my living. What's important, for me, is not asking how long my life will last, but how to live it to the fullest everyday!

Like some of you commented and suggested, it's also likely that my friend Cancer may come and visit you or your loved ones suddenly one day. Instead of being sadden at the time, why not we try to be pre-prepared for it. Why can't we live the fullest of today, everyday like this is the LAST day of our life?

Good health and God bless!

22 March, 2010

To Yoda ... I asked!

To Yoda ... I asked ...
What is life without death?
What is happiness without pain?
What is joy without sorrow?
... Yoda blinked his eyes ... and said ... 
"Stay the path, and find ... you will!"

To Yoda ... I asked ...
Courageous I am ... will I ovecome?
Wisdom I seek ... my mind is cleared?
With the love & care by others ... the challenge be met?
... Yoda nodded his head ... and glittered ...
"Come will future, past will today. Walk tall on, you should!"

To Yoda ... I said ...
My life I love 
My loved ones I love
My family and friends I love and care ...
... I miss them and I miss them more everyday!

It's the emotion attached 
It's the thoughts deepened
It's the weakness hidden
It's the Letting Go! ... Or not!
Yoda stood there ... eyes half closed ...!

[The Yoda figure shown here is one of my favorite. It can tell stories, answer questions and move most body parts (except the legs). His eyes can actually open and close with mouth movements.]









21 March, 2010

Tomorrow is Just Another Day!

This is my mother! Her family name as CHOI, and first name as Yee-Fai. In Chinese, it's actually a boy's name. May be this is also why she is so strong in character. She is 76 years old now though her exact birthday is not known which is quite common for people at her age, as she was borne during war time in mainland China, a place near Shantou City of Guangdong Province.
My mother is a Cancer Survivor! 17 years ago, she was diagnosed Colon Cancer and a surgery was performed. Luckily, the cancer did not spread and now she is staying fit and well. At the beginning, there were some struggles in bowel movement. With consistent everyday exercises and a cautious diet, she perform most daily functions without any issues.

When she learnt about my news this time, she was sadden. Like most of my friends, she tried to find answers to WHY this happen to me. And obviously, none is able to find the answer, except some self-fabricated thoughts. Yet, still leave them unsatisfied! Instead, I encouraged her to focus on more useful daily tasks, e.g. during the time at the hospital, ask her to cook congee and soup for me, talk to me whenever she feels like, and accept "It's upto HIM, up there, to define the length of my life!" though we shall keep ourselves strong and positive in attitude and to prepare ourselves for the next more challenging stages of treatment. I also try to make a daily report to her, usually first thing in the morning, regarding what happened to me yesterday and what is going to happen to me today. I usually elaborate my first-hand feeling so to allow her "to feel what I feel". Then, as we both live very close to each other, she visits my Home Care Unit at her pace and we can then spend more time together. We often sit near to each other, chat about small stuff, a lot of eye contacts and a lot of smiles on the face.
Seriously, I don't think we should handle this "Death & Dying Process" anything different than our daily routine. Other than the fact that I am sick and I am not able to perform certain daily functions, doesn't mean we have to deal with daily life with drastic differences. After the news is digested and calmness returns, you will find out no matter how hard you struggle (or sadden), it doesn't bring any values to the process. Rather, if you can treat it as a daily routine, and try to "normalize" the whole process, with some adjustments, AND plan ahead of time, anticipate what you may need to go through in the near future, you will be surprised that everything can be very plain and calm. And "Tomorrow is just another day!"

[This photo was taken in September 2009, in Hoonah of Alaska. Early one morning we were wandering around the cruise waiting to disembark. As you can see from the picture, she is so calm with a little smile. So peaceful, so beautiful as a mother ... my mother!]

20 March, 2010

My Life ... Rushing Here ... Rushing There!

Jun, Esther's brother, is returning Hong Kong today after being with us for exactly one week. He is leaving through the Vancouver (YVR) Airport. The picture above, which was taken by me back in 2005, in one of those trips that I made back to Asia (I used to travel quite extensively). This statue locates right inside the passenger zone after you cleared the security. Everytime I went pass it, everytime I was almost laughing at it. Rushing, rushing, rushing ... Life is rushing here and rushing there! Almost non-stop, and we seldom leave ourself time to think (and rethink) some big questions like: What is the meaning of life? What is the value(s) of life? How am I treating my Loved Ones? How would I handle life differently? No matter how much time I have, what do I want to do and to accomplish? Etc.

We often hear people complain about not having enough time to do this or that. Fair enough that there are a lot of other external constraints that prohibit us from acting on issues that deserve priority. Often than not, we like to work on daily small stuff rather than longer term important matters. "It's only human nature!" they said. Then, when you are at my stage, i.e.. when the doctor pronounced that you have X days/months left, you will then take out your ledger of life and check ... What did I achieve? What did I miss? And what will be the stuff that I can leave behind?

I know this is not the first time that you have heard about this idea (and the set of questions). I certainly don't pretend that I am good at it. But I did say this quite often lately: "I have a great life! Surrounded with great Loved Ones, family and friends. I am not trading my life with anyone, including the cancer I am having now. I am happy and I am ready to die even NOW!" And I mean it!

It's weekend time, would you consider just to hold the hands of your Loved Ones, looking them through the eyes and try to feel what they are feeling? Words are not needed, just two eyes on two eyes, a heart connected with another heart! Guaranteed, you will immediately feel the power inside you and your Loved Ones! Try and you will know.

19 March, 2010

The Family Support - An Enjoyable Process!

The Family Support - Nothing like it and nothing can replace it! What's more important here is the Family Support can turn life challenges into an enjoyable process. Allow me to elaborate ... ...

Esther, who is on my right side (and first time appearance in this Blogger), informed her elder sister, Grace (on the right) and younger brother, Jun (on the left) about my news a few weeks ago. They immediately decide to fly in from Hong Kong to provide support to Esther, and also to "come and see me"!

Grace, together with her son, Ivan and Esther's Mom visited us in summer 2008, so she knows what to expect in Vancouver. Meanwhile, it's Jun's first time here although he has been planning to come and visit us for a few years but never materialize. Now, all of a sudden, idea becomes real and here they are already in Vancouver for almost a week.

If you pause for a moment and reflect back, how many times in your life that you wanted to do something and you planned for it for a prolonged period of time, but yet, you give yourself one reason (or excuse?) and another just to push the plan back. Then, someday you woke up at the middle of the night and  feel sober about yourself as you are unable to control what happened, or worse, your dream has not become true. Keep in mind that there can also be incidents that you may have missed an opportunity that will never be happening again. You missed it ... you missed it! The unsettlement, or even the guilt feeling, will be with you in the rest of your life. You now keep reminding yourself what you missed but not what you have achieved. The message here: Act now thus you have no regret in future!

Jun took the opportunity, come and visit Vancouver the first time. He is taken extra good care by his friends here, almost non-stop sight-seeing, eating and shopping everyday in the past week. Then, in the evenings, chatting, laughing and playing with his nephew and niece. Of course, he also provided the family support to Esther and "saw me" keeping good! He called his Mom in Hong Kong the other day and told her that "If you see Matthew yourself, you won't believe he is sick!" Hahahah! Look at the picture above, do you really believe that I am sick?

When you are immensed in Love and Care and wonderful family members like Jun and Grace, the illness may occupy your body, but it can never take away your happiness and joy! Any challenges can become an enjoyable process!

   

18 March, 2010

Ladies & Gentlemen ... The Radiotherapy Show!

Surgery, Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy, among others, are the three most common treatments of cancer.
Starting yesterday, I received the first Radiotherapy session. The whole process went so smoothly. They first perform a CT-Scan on you to locate the precise positions of the cancer (or at least those that the doctor want to eliminate first) and put some marks on your body (as shown in the picture). Then, you will need to go to the Radiotherapy room where they will use radiation to kill the targetted cancer cells. Basically, all you need to do is to lie down and stay still.
Other than feeling a small burnt on the skin, a little dry mouth and a bit tired afterward, I almost felt nothing. I was sweating quite a bit possibly due to my increased metabolism during various activities for the day.
Without a doubt that operation of those sophisticated medical equipments require many years of high degree training, experience and accumulation of knowledge. I bet the result can be quite different if the procedures are being done by an experienced technologist and a not-so-experienced technologist. The message here is there are really nothing to worry about (though you may still need a little luck in what type of technologist and equipments that you may be provided with).
Like a magic show, when the magician tells you all the tricks on how the magics are done, you will burst and say "Oh! I can do that!"
So, Ladies & Gentlemen, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!



17 March, 2010

Cancer (My Friend), Thank You For Coming and Let's Talk!

Dear Cancer,

How are you doing today?

Without prior notice, you visited me unexpectedly a few weeks ago and have changed my routine since then. Using MRI and CT-Scan, you are seen everywhere in my spines and skeletal bones. However, even after drainage, bronchoscopy, and needle biopsy, your type cannot be confirmed although it's highly probable that my lung is the first location that you visited (and then you also visited other organs). You know very well that without your cell type, it is not possible for me to decide the "treatment plan" with you. In other words, if you don't open up yourself and let me understand you better, I will not be able to "treat you properly"!

Yesterday early morning, with the objective to "treat you better", I decided to seek second opinion from another friend of mine. He was very disappointed about what you have done and immediately referred me to BCCA (British Columbia Cancer Agency) where I believe you know this place well. This afternoon, I arrived in BCCA and conducted my first Radiotherapy. The main concern is that you may have damaged my spines. And if your free-will acts continue inside me, it's highly likely that you are going to cause me irreversible damage and leave me paralyse. I do understand that there may not be a specific reason for you to choose me. I do understand that you may not even want to do this for me, nor to cause me all these damages. However, with all facts now in front of us, I think the most sensible way is for us to sit down and talk about it, in order to seek compromise and solution to the issue. I don't want to eliminate you totally (I know I can't) but I also don't want you to eliminate me (though I know you can)! Like many other scenarios in life, can we not at least LEARN how to live together harmoniously? You can have me and I can have you ... This is a better feeling than you defeated me, isn't it?

Cancer, my friend, I do understand sometime you cannot control yourself, espeically your growth. People misunderstand you as always the "bad guy", and nothing in you is good! If they can pause and step back for a while, they should be able to see the bright side of you. You wake us up when we are spending our time in meaningless daily routine. You remind us the (current) life is of finite nature. You usually enrich us and seek higher level of life values. You teach us how to treasure the precious time we have with our loved ones. (... ... And this can go on and on.) It's certainly true that you can also take our life, but life without meaning, life without values and life without love and care, why would I be bothered if you take my life?

Actually, Cancer, I want to thank you that since your visit, I have observed some fundamental changes to my loved ones. My wife is distressed but getting stronger and stronger each day. My boy is managing his emotion very well and my girl, though may go up and down, is gaining maturity. You help me educated them (so early) and prepare them for bigger life challenges in the future. Thank you! Thank you for coming!

We can talk anytime at your convenience and yes, please take special note that I am ready to "live with you" and I am going to "treat you well"!

Yours, Matthew

It’s simply life — life raised to a higher power.


A friend of mine, Vicky, sent me a weblink to an article appeared in New York Times Blog on March 15, 2010 titled "With Cancer, Let’s Face It: Words Are Inadequate." written by By DANA JENNINGS.

The article captured well the feeling of the patients (e.g. me). Inspired or provoked a few touching thoughts! The ending three paragraphs are superb. Allow me to read it for you:

Silences make us squirm. But when I was sickest, most numbed by my treatment, it was more than healing to bask in a friend’s compassionate silence, to receive and give a hug, to be sustained by a genuine smile.
Strangely enough, although cancer threatened my life it also exalted it, brought with it a bright and terrible clarity.
So, no, cancer isn’t a battle, a fight. It’s simply life — life raised to a higher power.
 
[The above picture was taken in September 2009 in Alaska. The cruise went deep and so near to a glacier and made a 360 degree turn. "Everyone on the cruise can see it close! You can almost touch it!" The Captain said. The feeling at the time, when approaching the glacier, apart from some cheering sounds on the deck, is so peaceful, yet you can see the glacier's movement. The greatness of the Mother Nature and yet It's simply life!]

16 March, 2010

Surprise In Life! ... Life Itself is a Surprise!


You guys may still remember the posting of "Tuesday with Matthew" a few days ago. Tuesday is now known as Patrick. He is my Secondary School classmate who came to Canada almost three decades ago. He went back for a few years in Hong Kong and took an MBA course in CUHK. In that MBA class, there was a guy, Ron (at my right in the above photo). In other words, Ron and Tuesday are also classmates. While Ron, and Calsa here, are the parents of Cheryl (on my left in the above photo) is the classmate of my daughter Olivia (at the left of Cheryl).

Get the picture yet? I only hope you are not feeling dizzy. To make it sounds funny, I would say: "Ron, do you know your daughter's classmate's father's classmate is also your classmate?" Or I would say: "Tuesday, do you know your classmate's daughter is actually my daughter's classmate?"

The interesting thing was: one morning while I was jogging with Ron, we talked about a guy with a lot of details matching, except that I called the guy Tuesday, while Ron called him Patrick! Hahahah! The conversation ended by me saying: "Probably we are talking about a different person."

Ron recognized Tuesday in this Blog and paid me a surprise visit this evening. He now knows for sure, Tuesday is actually Patrick! I don't really know how to calculate the probability of being your daughter's classmate's father is the classmate of your classmate. There are always surprises in life. Life itself is a surprise!

The odd of dying with cancer is far less than being "your daughter's classmate's father is the classmate of your classmate" ... ... WHY it is a surprise (or some say "shock") when I tell you I am now having Cancer with me? Or next time you should stay cool and say: "What? ... You only got Cancer? Can you not get something more extraordinary and unique so at least you can make yourself into an episode of House, or the Discovery Channel?" (And smile please!)

Acceptance of Life (and Death)!

I have got my leave. Bid me farewell, my brothers!

I bow to you all and take my departure.

Here I give back the keys of my door – and I give up all claims to my house. I only ask for last kind words from you.

We were neighbors for long, but I received more than I could give. Now the day has dawned and the lamp that lit my dark corner is out. A summons has come and I am ready for my journey.

- Tagore, from Gitanjali, XCIII

Not to worry my friends, I am not really saying farewell. It's only these short phrases have captured the feeling I have, when I am in preparation for my death (while still fighting the on-going challenges)!
The process can be so peaceful. The emotion can be so calm. The thoughts can be so simple and neat.
In the past few weeks, your supports and your prayers have overwhelmed me and "I received more than I could give"! I don't know when the summons may come, but I am ready  for my journey!
Through acceptance of life, we should have no problem accepting death!

Everyday Is a Gift!

This is the full moon picture I took in October 2009, i.e. the Mid Autumn Festival in Chinese Calender. This is the day for families to gather together, to celebrate the harvest of the year and enjoy the good food and the reunion. For the children, it is also known as the "Moon Cake" Day! (And smile please!) Look ... the moon is really beautiful with all these fine details. There are so many things in life that we have missed daily, e.g. the smell of a flower, the freshness of the air, a drop of the rain, a ray of sunshine, the care and love expressed by our loved ones, and ... the time we are allowed on this planet Earth! We are simply too occupied, or merely absent-minded to recognize that Everyday Is a Gift! We may not know what tomorrow may hold for us, but this very day, this very moment, is already a gift for us that we should enjoy and use it to the fullest!

15 March, 2010

Pamela and Hong, Thank You!

Pamela is a cancer survivor (since 2002) and Hong, her husband, is a Qi Gong Master. They came a long way today to meet me at my Home Care Unit. We discussed in depth about a variety of topics: Fruits and vegetables juices, The Healing Light (by Agnes Sanford), Pamela’s first- hand experience in dealing with cancer, and a few interesting moments such as the day Pamela was going to have her surgery (in removing the tumor), the surgeons at the hospital was on strike! And she told me, with a big smile at her face, how she sustained 36 times radiotherapy treatment which also killed a lot of her other useful cells and body parts. Hong then practiced his Qi Gong on me, and released the stress on my abdominal cavity as well as the pressure on my left chest. All through the process, Hong told me to just relax and let the Qi works by itself. Believe it or not, this evening, I started walking without using my walker and I didn’t feel the pressure and stress anymore. Wow! It’s awesome!


Pamela and Hong, you two are amazing people. Your experience towards cancer and your positive energy surely have great impact on me. After listening to your story, I actually find myself lucky as I will not need to do the surgery and highly likely no need to do radiotherapy. Although we know each other for less than a year and yet you have exercised so much love and care on me (and Esther)! Knowing beautiful people like you two, by itself, is an enjoyment of life!

Take a step back, it’s not difficult that we can find beautiful people surrounding us and doing beautiful things. If we know how to appreciate, or at least try to learn how to appreciate, our life is already in the process of enrichment. All these positive energy can surely help us overcome the fear of death and put our mind at ease.

Pamela and Hong, thank you! Thank you!

13 March, 2010

Tuesday with Matthew

I know you guys all heard about “Tuesdays with Morrie” and that’s exactly why I named this title. In my case, the Tuesday is actually a person (the one on the left). Tuesday Ho is my secondary school classmate from Hong Kong, together with Michael Day here (on the right), visited me this afternoon at home. They said they can’t wait to see me back!


Do you understand this logic? I am fit and healthy for so many years and you only want to meet me once or twice a year. Then, as soon as I am sick and especially when I tell you I got cancer, you are rushing to see me. Okay lar, my friend, I am only teasing you! Thank you for your love and care, but my message to you is “Don’t wait until the bad news come, go and visit anyone that you want to see as soon as it comes up! Or at least give him/her a call and tell him/her you are missing them! It’s always greater fun to talk to a healthy individual.” Please don’t give yourself any excuse ... just do it … yes, just do it and you won’t be missing anything!

Home ... Sweet Home! I am back!

Since 22nd February, 2010 (Monday), after 20 days at the hospital, today I am back home. Home … sweet home! Through the great efforts of my family, my brother Joey, and the community service providers, you can see my Super Deluxe Home Care Unit is now setup (at previously the sitting room). This will be where I am going to spend most of my time in the near future. The bathroom and toilet site is also set and ready for my utility (but I won’t show you the photo).


I will need to be transported from home to the hospital for treatment and it can be quite a job to work on due to my immobility. Though, compare with the hospital, home is always better for terminally illness people. The warm environment, the loved family members, the bits and pieces and small stuff that can bring memories of life moments! Most critical is the family members are still trying to learn how to take care of a patient and their own emotions. Adaptation to new set of procedures can be frustrating and depressing. Only with LOVE & CARE that they can be overcome! Greater LOVE & CARE and mutual support among family members would be the best.

Nothing is easy in life … but it’s the growing process, with pain and hard work that make you feel good at the end! When things are unfolding, you may sometime find it hard to swallow, but if you maintain the confidence in yourself and continue to walk tall and straight, one day you will be there. When you look back, you will be amazed how far you have walked and how many things you have done and how happy you are.

Life without pain is no fun – as pain contrasts and helps you feel the joy inside you.

Life is enjoyable – enjoy it while you can!

12 March, 2010

Let's Talk about Death!

In general, people do not want or like to talk about death. Even when death is approaching, most of us choose to avoid mentioning this term – Death. Of course, there are quite a few words that can substitute “Death”, e.g. passed away, deceased, gone, left, etc., or even some more interesting words like expired, uplift, flown away, and rejoined by other loved ones. The intention of choosing alternative words is all good, except that this shows how much we want to avoid “Death”!


The more you think about it, the stranger feeling you would acquire. The thinking goes like this: Birth is the first stage of life while death is the last stage of life. If only birth without death, the life process is not complete! You may also see birth and death as two sides of the same coin. You would not have birth on one side and also birth on the other side. Most interesting of all, death (and of course birth) is taking place everyday, everywhere and to everyone. It is impossible that you can live in a place without death, or you can find a community that does not experience death. Yet death is so difficult to be faced or even discussed.

The more so, in some culture such as Chinese or generally Asian, death should be totally avoided, especially to the elderly people. If you see a sick person in terminal illness and clearly with a few days left, people will lie (yes it’s simply a lie) and wish the person “Everything will be okay and you will get well soon!” There is some worse situation that the person was hidden from the truth of his/her illness up to point that he/she died. Does the person has the right even to know he/she is being cheated? How would he/she feel, at the last moment of his/her life, to find out he/she indeed is going to die? Is it really more beneficial to the person if he/she does not know about his/her destiny? Rather, would it be better if we are better equipped and prepared for our death, not only as an individual but also as a community? Should we not change this tradition attitude of “avoiding death” to “openly talk about death”, to “accept death is an integral part of the life process”, to “death is good and it’s a joy to die!”?

In school, we are trained on various academic subjects, from mathematics to history, from biology to social studies. Our intelligence and knowledge education is significant. Meantime, we are seldom trained to grow emotionally. No one teaches us how to handle life crisis in school and when life crisis happens to us (or someone nearby), it is typical that we try to hide our feeling or waiting for time to heal us. Worse, if something happens to ourselves, or to someone we love, and if death becomes inevitable, we usually are not readily prepared for it and easily find either numbness or emotional unsettlement within us.

On the bright side, if we start making changes in this direction, i.e. to start promoting discussion of death more openly, to accept death is inevitable, or even to make the best sense and meaning out of death, we can actually live a happier life today! We are able to treasure what we have now, who we are with, and most important of all, death will no longer a painful process, it becomes a joy – the Joy of Growth and the Joy of Achieving Inner Peace! By doing this, we create a win-win scenario for BOTH the dying one and living ones. The dying one will see the living ones are living stronger and happier and thus to reduce the dying one’s emotional burden and concern. While the dying one can depart with enriched attitude and internal peace and thus to make the living ones happy and relax as in the future days, after the dying one died, they will continue to keep this happy picture in mind which should sooth their downtime!

Think again … is this a better and more sensible approach towards death? Being a dying person myself, let me tell ya … I am going to openly talk about death, I am going to live peacefully with death in the next few months (while continue to face and fight my treatment challenges), and I am trying the best I can to out-live death. Not that I will recover, but I want to make this dying process more meaningful and rewarding, for me and my loved ones!

Hospital 2010 Look

This picture was taken on 10th March, 2010. Esther help me washed. I shaved myself and got out of the "sick bed" and took this photo. Two thumbs up ... ... one for everyone of you and one for myself ... ... You guys are great! All your care, your love, your prayers, etc. Please continue as I need more of them in my next stage, i.e. the chemotherapy which is going to be much tougher than now. Cancer and pain comes hand-in-hand, and as you can see here, once the pain is under control, one can be as good as ever! Smile please, keep smiling please as it also help your pain!

The Beginning ... ... of another voyage!

On and off, I had some back pain starting end January, 2010. The usual approach of visiting the western doctor, then pain-killers are prescribed. And to visit Chinese Medicine doctor and get some alternative treatment of massage, acupuncture with some Chinese Medicines. The condition improved and I returned to work. Then, a week later, the back pain came again. So went back to check with the Chinese Doctor, he suggested me to visit the western doctor to have a scan for the bones. On 22nd February, I visited the western doctor, this time he prescribed me a much stronger pain-killer and also signed me to do X-rays. ("Getting a scan done is complicated and unrealistic!", the western doctor said.) I then went straight for the X-rays and dued to the severe pain, I passed out during the process. My conscious later returned and I returned home.

That same evening, on 22nd February, 2010 (Monday), the pain get so bad that I could not sustain anymore. Finally decided to call the emergency and send me to the local hospital. That evening was the usual waiting at the emergency observation ward and the next day was also under observation. X-rays were performed and some blood tests were done. I was admitted into the hospital on 23rd February, 2010.

Then, in the next few days, I was taken to bone scan, then CT-Scan. On 25th February, 2010, the doctor came and told me the news. She said: "Your bones are now filled with cancer cells and it's pretty bad! We are sorry to let you know this not-so-good news!"

On 1st March, 2010, the oncology specialist returned to office and we had the chance to talk in more details. The cancer has spread to a few other organs and technically I am at Stage Four (Terminal) and with a life expectancy of 8 months. Then, further MRI and biopsy are performed and again reconfirm the situation, i.e. my spine and skeleton bones are now filled with cancer cells.

I do not smoke. I do not drink ... (okay a glass of red wine when dine with friends)! I have an enjoyable work and a healthy living style. I seldom sleep later than 11pm and get up mostly before 7am. I am cautious of what I eat. I jog 2 to 3 times a week for 45 minutes and I do other exercises whenever time permits. Most of the time I am happy and laughing, and always of a positive mindset.

This clearly is the beginning of a new voyage for me. It's funny that I have no anger and no denial inside me. I did not even ask why, or why me. And I leave everything to the hands of God, my Lord! Actually, one evening when I was sleeping deep, a bliss of feeling swept through my body, the comfortness, the relaxation, the freshness, and the feeling of "internal peace" (or the "inner peace). The feeling is so great!